Monday, June 11, 2012
Haven't you heard that I'm gonna be okay?

It's been a year since I broke up with Francis. Looking back, I had two counts of almost winning him back, and that was it.

At first, I wasn't really sure of what I wanted. Do I have to leave my security blanket? Would I still survive with him? Would he survive with me?

And after a year, I think I have answers to these thoughts. Of course, lingering questions still remain unanswered, but they don't quite matter anymore. I managed to survive without him, believing myself to love only because I was loved. Because it was a new feeling, that someone actually had eyes for me. That I wasn't on the losing side. But then, it doesn't always feel good to win. And love is never a competition. I shut him off my life, somehow, and focused on other things. Yes I did survive, but I kind of felt bad that he almost gave up on himself.

As I would like to believe, by now, he got over me already, which is something beneficial for both of us. We grew apart, and that was it. I think I did something offensive to him that's why he completely shut me off his life, and I didn't even got the courage to say sorry. (So yeah, now, if you're reading this, I'm sorry if I have offended you) That was better for the both of us, and that was unnerving - that everybody but you knew about your ex everyday. I want to keep up with what he's doing, honestly. Not to be intended with malice or the hope that we might get back, but as I would tell my 'son' Gens, it's a concern from human to another human. I want him to be okay, and I am open about the prospect of friendship. That's the least I could do for him.

For me, it has been a trying yet happy year. I completely lost my inhibitions and bad habits along the way, and I got to experience new things alone. I learned that not many people have the capacity to love you as you can love them. I learned that you can channel the love you once had to others who most need it. There are lots of things to be happy with, and life's simply too short to be miserable all the time.

I thank Francis for giving me the freedom I never knew I needed. It was something to adjust to at first, but it eventually became liberating. I may not know how you are now, but I sincerely wish you the best of all things. And may you find it in yourself the capacity to love yourself as I have tried to love you before. Good luck, and thank you for all the memories. :) Happy anniversary!

Labels: anniversary, blah, if