I'm all fried up over you.

Thursday, June 28, 2012
I learn to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt.

I've always strived to be good, at least from your point of view. But I also have my tipping point.

I have always catered to your happiness, but then you take away mine. You said you're just looking out for me, but in fact, you're judging the people I cherish the most.

They were there during my worst times, those low moments when I needed you but you weren't there.

Even at the lowest points in my life, they haven't given up on me.

And this is what I get for being good? Your taunts, illogical comparisons, and self-gratifying remarks?

I may as hell deserve this, but please don't rub it in. I hate to be called a worthless shit many times in my face.

It pains me that we don't get to have some common ground, that I always have to concede to your misgivings. I have always done that, even it has deprived me of many things in my life.

Di ko alam kung dapat ba ko tawaging tanga o inutil sa pagpaparaya, pero wala akong magagawa kasi kahit saang anggulo tignan, ako naman ang lalabas na masama.

Ako na lang parati, at tanggap na lang ako nang tanggap.

Na mas magaling sila.
Na lagi ko na lang sinasayang ang oras ko.
Na wala akong commitment.
Na hindi ko iniisip ang haharapin ko.
Na hindi ka nagkulang sa paalala.

And with every time I succumb to your requests, I slowly lose grasp of who I am.

Kaya kahit sa salita lang, mailabas ko kung sino talaga ako. Seems like living for others nowadays calls for some serious acting expertise.

Melai walked on the sunny side.
10:22:00 PM

Friday, June 15, 2012
I'll make a wish for you.

I am deeply saddened with what happened to one of my closest friends. I just read Gens' latest blogpost about his relationship with his scientific calculator, which I am (as well as he is) sure that there's more to it than bidding farewell to a device he has long used. I'll leave you with it to figure out.

Gens has been one of the most enthusiastic and determined people I know, especially when he's working. He's driven with the encouragement from people around him and the passion he has for what he does. With these things combined, he can't not succeed.

And in my second day in school, I realized this loss. Having no Gens around during break times, lunch, or idle times, I felt alone (and not to mention old). He was just one text away when your class finished early, or when he just wants to catch up. We were also (most of the time) on the same wavelength when we talk. We socially climb incessantly, voice out our opinions about others relentlessly, and take each other's advices on anything. He was the easiest friend to talk to and/or open up. It just feels so strange that we couldn't just care about classes, time or reality anymore. Reality's a bitch, I know. It bites real hard, especially now.

I know that fate made us go into different paths, but I wish him all the best. I know it's of no use since he'll surely excel in anything he sets his heart upon. It's not like he'll be away forever, but I feel a gaping hole in my heart, like I'm giving my own son up for adoption. And you can't fathom how mothers feel at the absence of their children. (having said this, I felt it's unfair if his twin, Neil, doesn't get his own blogpost for himself, but I'm too lazy to do it. Plus he's in a better place than any of us now)

I hope Gens would always keep in touch. He may have lost some chances, but he's never lost a friend and a mother. I will always await his return.

All the best, anak! I wish you every happiness.

Melai walked on the sunny side.
12:54:00 AM

Monday, June 11, 2012
Haven't you heard that I'm gonna be okay?

It's been a year since I broke up with Francis. Looking back, I had two counts of almost winning him back, and that was it.

At first, I wasn't really sure of what I wanted. Do I have to leave my security blanket? Would I still survive with him? Would he survive with me?

And after a year, I think I have answers to these thoughts. Of course, lingering questions still remain unanswered, but they don't quite matter anymore. I managed to survive without him, believing myself to love only because I was loved. Because it was a new feeling, that someone actually had eyes for me. That I wasn't on the losing side. But then, it doesn't always feel good to win. And love is never a competition. I shut him off my life, somehow, and focused on other things. Yes I did survive, but I kind of felt bad that he almost gave up on himself.

As I would like to believe, by now, he got over me already, which is something beneficial for both of us. We grew apart, and that was it. I think I did something offensive to him that's why he completely shut me off his life, and I didn't even got the courage to say sorry. (So yeah, now, if you're reading this, I'm sorry if I have offended you) That was better for the both of us, and that was unnerving - that everybody but you knew about your ex everyday. I want to keep up with what he's doing, honestly. Not to be intended with malice or the hope that we might get back, but as I would tell my 'son' Gens, it's a concern from human to another human. I want him to be okay, and I am open about the prospect of friendship. That's the least I could do for him.

For me, it has been a trying yet happy year. I completely lost my inhibitions and bad habits along the way, and I got to experience new things alone. I learned that not many people have the capacity to love you as you can love them. I learned that you can channel the love you once had to others who most need it. There are lots of things to be happy with, and life's simply too short to be miserable all the time.

I thank Francis for giving me the freedom I never knew I needed. It was something to adjust to at first, but it eventually became liberating. I may not know how you are now, but I sincerely wish you the best of all things. And may you find it in yourself the capacity to love yourself as I have tried to love you before. Good luck, and thank you for all the memories. :) Happy anniversary!

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Melai walked on the sunny side.
6:01:00 PM

Sunday, May 27, 2012
I'm starting to think you are why I'm stuttering.

May nagbabalik-loob sa blogging?! Nah, it's just something I do occasionally. Tipong pag wala akong magawa o may kailangan akong ilabas na feelings. AHY.

By the way, gandang-ganda ako sa rendition ng Stuttering ni Jessica Sanchez. I won't go into further detail as to how I felt depressed when she came 2nd in American Idol, well, basta nasayangan ako. But that's not even the point of this post anyway.

There's someone who makes me stutter. Figuratively, that is. When I see this person, I kind of stop on my tracks, unable to say a word. Siguro nasa-starstruck lang ako sa hitsura nya, or I'm just intimidated by who he is.

I know he's definitely rooting for someone, and he practically made it a point that it was not me. Tanggap ko naman yun. Iniisip ko na lang, wala sa level ng kagwapuhan nya ang ganda ko. And vice versa. Feeling si Ma'am! Bitter na nga, inangat pa sarili?!

Well ang punto ko lang naman, I wanted to know him more, but due to the limited chance I have, kailangan kong lubusin yung 'rare opportunity' na yun. However, I have found, and will find it difficult, given his nature and the people around us.

Kung matanong nyo na in love ba ako o hindi, ang sagot ko dyan ay isang umaatikabong "What?"

Let's just say that with the circumstances we are bound with, I am openly smitten by his charm. Charm?! Magician?!

I'm not saying I am not open to more possibilities with him. Most likely, nothing farther than this will develop. Kung meron man, papasa na ko bilang bro or girl guru.

And to give it (not entirely) away, I really like someone who's, if not gay or effeminate, Chinese. Both would be desirable.

PS. Patay tayo dyan.

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Melai walked on the sunny side.
3:17:00 AM

Friday, February 10, 2012
You don't need to rub it in.

Kung di mo pa sinulat, di ko pa maaalala. Kasalanan ko naman e. :) It will forever be the case. No one, even you, will understand how I deeply suffered this relationship. Tingin mo porke lagi na lang ako nakangiti, palagi na lang akong masaya? Porke sinasabi kong mahal kita, iindahin ko na lahat ng sakit?

Go on. Make others believe that you're badly scarred by this relationship. Only I know the truth.

Melai walked on the sunny side.
3:14:00 AM

Monday, December 05, 2011
In another life, I would make you stay.

I'm continuously bugged by a recurring dream. In this dream, a guy from my past returned and told me if it wasn't for what happened, we would go steady. It happened (in the dream) at such a common place that I had flashbacks whenever I went there.

The worst thing about it is that I can't differentiate what's just a dream and what actually happened. Here I am, once again giving up my pride and finding a way back.

I should've told you what you meant to me. 'Coz now I pay the price.

Now I understand why people are so crazy making love confessions. I think it's that same emotion - that feeling that consumes you eternally if you don't make a move. If you don't even risk on that slightest chance of reciprocation. Na magugunaw ang mundo pag hindi ka nakapagtapat. It eats you up everyday. Which leads to realization number two.


It wasn't just until now that I realized some truth that people have been pointing out right under my nose. Was I too scared to admit it? Maybe, or I'm just afraid to be defeated of what I'm feeling. But now, I concede.

Yeah, congratulations to me, I can now profess that I have a consistent taste in guys.

People that know of this would instantly laugh at the thought, since I have a rather bizarre requirement in men - they have to be effeminate. >_<

Okay, this is now your cue to roll and laugh on the floor. *read after 5 minutes*


So you're back. Anyway, after some serious self-evaluation, I figured this trend started in my freshman year in college. Back in high school, the ones I liked were those 'bad guys' - those from the lower sections of the batch, dirty-ass drummers or members of a band, the kontrabidas, and so on. But now, I tend to fall for the good guys, too good for girls that they're better for guys.

It's not that they also have to be gay (some who turned out to really be gay were the reasons for my stupid crying sessions), either they have to be likable by guys or were (even once) linked with guys.

With the exception of one (which can be gay not even once in his lifetime, and is someone whom I can't have even if I reincarnate a few times over), the guys in my life right now prove strongly to this weird taste.

The one I really, really like right now, is, well, effeminate. And I'm quite confused, because in my eyes, he's a real gentleman (with a few girly manners here and there), but when he's with other people, he's simply... gay. I don't want to brand him entirely as a 'girlfriend', because I am relying on a single thread of hope that he might actually be straight. *kneels to pray*

What's worse, I'd rather kill myself than let in anybody on this huge liking slash secret that I have. Judger ang mga kaibigan ko, at kinakabahan ako sa pangba-bash na gagawin nila.

Benefit of the doubt na lang siguro. Let's see if he swings the other way in the near future.

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Melai walked on the sunny side.
2:49:00 AM

Sunday, November 06, 2011
now that you're gone

Lately, lagi na lang akong napapaisip. Not the normal thinking (or kung anumang pagccontemplate na ginagawa ko sa natural na dimensyon) I've been doing, yung tipong intense na malalim ang pinaghuhugutan at long-term ang kababagsakan. At puro 'What Ifs'. Siguro it's because of the people I've been talking to for the entire week, at ang epekto ng Fushigi Yuugi sakin. #AddictMode

What if hindi ako na-delay sa mga subjects ko?
What if I had set my priorities differently?
What if pumasok ako sa meeting na yun?
What if hindi ko siya pinayagang pumasok sa buhay ko?
What if di ko tinakasan yung gym sessions ko?
What if pinagpatuloy ko yung relasyon namin?
What if pinilit kong tumakbo sa posisyong iyon?
What if kinakausap ko pa rin siya hanggang sa ngayon?
What if hindi ako nanuod ng Fushigi Yuugi?
What if pumili ako ng ibang partner?
What if naging priestess ako sa Universe of the Four Gods?
What if nagshift na lang ako habang maaga pa?
What if patuloy akong umasa sa kanya?
What if mamatay ako kinabukasan?
What if nagising ako bukas nang walang naaalala sa buhay ko?
What if nagkakilala kami - matutunan ba nya kong mahalin?

Karamihan sa mga tanong ko, alam ko ang sagot. May iilang hindi ko tuluyang mawari, at ayoko na rin hanapan pa ng sagot.

Nalulungkot lang ako because in trying to make other people happy with a major decision in my life, parang mas marami pa kong napalungkot. Hindi sa may feelings pa rin ako - nalulungkot akong I feel I'm the one to blame dahil sa abalang kinakaharap nila ngayon. And I don't know what to do about it.

If I take things back the way they were, ako lang lalo ang masasaktan. At eventually, sisirain ko rin ang buhay nya. Kasi habang tumatagal, lalo kong naiisip na ayoko na. I've told him to prove my decision wrong - na ipakita saking mali akong hiniwalayan ko siya. But his actions only support what I did. Mas lalo akong nawawalan ng rason para ibalik ang kung anong mayroon samin. I'll only make a fool out of myself if I'd continue something that is supposed to end long ago. Alam nya iyon, with the countless arguments we'd have na ako lang palagi ang nagsisimula. Ang tingin nya kasi, sambahin mo lang yung tao, OK na. With strong words come empty actions.

I don't need to be adored, I need to be loved.

If I continue to be indifferent, it'll be a burden to everyone around me, na sobrang naiirita na sa konsumisyon. I just feel na kahit gaano ka-positive yung advice na ibigay nila, he still won't be swayed by what he feels. So ang pointless ng pagbibigay ng advice. E ang clingy nya. I know it's not my problem, I just feel strongly for them. Ako nga na isang taon at apat na buwang umintindi, hindi ko nabago ang paninindigan nya. Ibang tao pa kaya, in just a matter of months.

Sorry if I had to let these all out. Ayokong magkaroon na naman ng ganitong burden, lalo na when the new semester starts. I ended this in order to avoid further distractions, but it seems to still haunt me up to this very moment.

Siguro nga, kailangan kong pagsisihan yun. Wrong move.

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Melai walked on the sunny side.
7:31:00 PM

Wednesday, November 02, 2011
I'm gonna get you back!

Ayoko namang maparatangang nakiki-bandwagon ako nung una. But here I am.

Actually, I'm torn between reviving this blog or finishing the 100-day blog project in my Multiply account. Never ko nang tinuloy yon since the mass shift of users from Multiply to Facebook + Plurk + Twitter.

Pros on Blogger:
  1. Marrevive ko ang aking HTML knowledge (or what's left of it).
  2. More freedom in terms of creativity and customization.
  3. Di ko alam. Sa cons naman tayo.
Cons on Blogger:
  1. Na-disable yung comments box ko on Haloscan, since they have their own already.
What to do.

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Melai walked on the sunny side.
1:12:00 PM