Monday, December 05, 2011
In another life, I would make you stay.

I'm continuously bugged by a recurring dream. In this dream, a guy from my past returned and told me if it wasn't for what happened, we would go steady. It happened (in the dream) at such a common place that I had flashbacks whenever I went there.

The worst thing about it is that I can't differentiate what's just a dream and what actually happened. Here I am, once again giving up my pride and finding a way back.

I should've told you what you meant to me. 'Coz now I pay the price.

Now I understand why people are so crazy making love confessions. I think it's that same emotion - that feeling that consumes you eternally if you don't make a move. If you don't even risk on that slightest chance of reciprocation. Na magugunaw ang mundo pag hindi ka nakapagtapat. It eats you up everyday. Which leads to realization number two.


It wasn't just until now that I realized some truth that people have been pointing out right under my nose. Was I too scared to admit it? Maybe, or I'm just afraid to be defeated of what I'm feeling. But now, I concede.

Yeah, congratulations to me, I can now profess that I have a consistent taste in guys.

People that know of this would instantly laugh at the thought, since I have a rather bizarre requirement in men - they have to be effeminate. >_<

Okay, this is now your cue to roll and laugh on the floor. *read after 5 minutes*


So you're back. Anyway, after some serious self-evaluation, I figured this trend started in my freshman year in college. Back in high school, the ones I liked were those 'bad guys' - those from the lower sections of the batch, dirty-ass drummers or members of a band, the kontrabidas, and so on. But now, I tend to fall for the good guys, too good for girls that they're better for guys.

It's not that they also have to be gay (some who turned out to really be gay were the reasons for my stupid crying sessions), either they have to be likable by guys or were (even once) linked with guys.

With the exception of one (which can be gay not even once in his lifetime, and is someone whom I can't have even if I reincarnate a few times over), the guys in my life right now prove strongly to this weird taste.

The one I really, really like right now, is, well, effeminate. And I'm quite confused, because in my eyes, he's a real gentleman (with a few girly manners here and there), but when he's with other people, he's simply... gay. I don't want to brand him entirely as a 'girlfriend', because I am relying on a single thread of hope that he might actually be straight. *kneels to pray*

What's worse, I'd rather kill myself than let in anybody on this huge liking slash secret that I have. Judger ang mga kaibigan ko, at kinakabahan ako sa pangba-bash na gagawin nila.

Benefit of the doubt na lang siguro. Let's see if he swings the other way in the near future.

Labels: regret, self-evaluation, uh-oh