Thursday, June 28, 2012
I learn to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt.

I've always strived to be good, at least from your point of view. But I also have my tipping point.

I have always catered to your happiness, but then you take away mine. You said you're just looking out for me, but in fact, you're judging the people I cherish the most.

They were there during my worst times, those low moments when I needed you but you weren't there.

Even at the lowest points in my life, they haven't given up on me.

And this is what I get for being good? Your taunts, illogical comparisons, and self-gratifying remarks?

I may as hell deserve this, but please don't rub it in. I hate to be called a worthless shit many times in my face.

It pains me that we don't get to have some common ground, that I always have to concede to your misgivings. I have always done that, even it has deprived me of many things in my life.

Di ko alam kung dapat ba ko tawaging tanga o inutil sa pagpaparaya, pero wala akong magagawa kasi kahit saang anggulo tignan, ako naman ang lalabas na masama.

Ako na lang parati, at tanggap na lang ako nang tanggap.

Na mas magaling sila.
Na lagi ko na lang sinasayang ang oras ko.
Na wala akong commitment.
Na hindi ko iniisip ang haharapin ko.
Na hindi ka nagkulang sa paalala.

And with every time I succumb to your requests, I slowly lose grasp of who I am.

Kaya kahit sa salita lang, mailabas ko kung sino talaga ako. Seems like living for others nowadays calls for some serious acting expertise.

Friday, June 15, 2012
I'll make a wish for you.

I am deeply saddened with what happened to one of my closest friends. I just read Gens' latest blogpost about his relationship with his scientific calculator, which I am (as well as he is) sure that there's more to it than bidding farewell to a device he has long used. I'll leave you with it to figure out.

Gens has been one of the most enthusiastic and determined people I know, especially when he's working. He's driven with the encouragement from people around him and the passion he has for what he does. With these things combined, he can't not succeed.

And in my second day in school, I realized this loss. Having no Gens around during break times, lunch, or idle times, I felt alone (and not to mention old). He was just one text away when your class finished early, or when he just wants to catch up. We were also (most of the time) on the same wavelength when we talk. We socially climb incessantly, voice out our opinions about others relentlessly, and take each other's advices on anything. He was the easiest friend to talk to and/or open up. It just feels so strange that we couldn't just care about classes, time or reality anymore. Reality's a bitch, I know. It bites real hard, especially now.

I know that fate made us go into different paths, but I wish him all the best. I know it's of no use since he'll surely excel in anything he sets his heart upon. It's not like he'll be away forever, but I feel a gaping hole in my heart, like I'm giving my own son up for adoption. And you can't fathom how mothers feel at the absence of their children. (having said this, I felt it's unfair if his twin, Neil, doesn't get his own blogpost for himself, but I'm too lazy to do it. Plus he's in a better place than any of us now)

I hope Gens would always keep in touch. He may have lost some chances, but he's never lost a friend and a mother. I will always await his return.

All the best, anak! I wish you every happiness.

Monday, June 11, 2012
Haven't you heard that I'm gonna be okay?

It's been a year since I broke up with Francis. Looking back, I had two counts of almost winning him back, and that was it.

At first, I wasn't really sure of what I wanted. Do I have to leave my security blanket? Would I still survive with him? Would he survive with me?

And after a year, I think I have answers to these thoughts. Of course, lingering questions still remain unanswered, but they don't quite matter anymore. I managed to survive without him, believing myself to love only because I was loved. Because it was a new feeling, that someone actually had eyes for me. That I wasn't on the losing side. But then, it doesn't always feel good to win. And love is never a competition. I shut him off my life, somehow, and focused on other things. Yes I did survive, but I kind of felt bad that he almost gave up on himself.

As I would like to believe, by now, he got over me already, which is something beneficial for both of us. We grew apart, and that was it. I think I did something offensive to him that's why he completely shut me off his life, and I didn't even got the courage to say sorry. (So yeah, now, if you're reading this, I'm sorry if I have offended you) That was better for the both of us, and that was unnerving - that everybody but you knew about your ex everyday. I want to keep up with what he's doing, honestly. Not to be intended with malice or the hope that we might get back, but as I would tell my 'son' Gens, it's a concern from human to another human. I want him to be okay, and I am open about the prospect of friendship. That's the least I could do for him.

For me, it has been a trying yet happy year. I completely lost my inhibitions and bad habits along the way, and I got to experience new things alone. I learned that not many people have the capacity to love you as you can love them. I learned that you can channel the love you once had to others who most need it. There are lots of things to be happy with, and life's simply too short to be miserable all the time.

I thank Francis for giving me the freedom I never knew I needed. It was something to adjust to at first, but it eventually became liberating. I may not know how you are now, but I sincerely wish you the best of all things. And may you find it in yourself the capacity to love yourself as I have tried to love you before. Good luck, and thank you for all the memories. :) Happy anniversary!

Labels: anniversary, blah, if